Friday, September 19, 2014

New Rules for the United (not Untied) Kingdom

English people, I'm sorry, but the National New Flag Design Colouring Competition has had to be postponed, for a few years at least.

I thank the people of Scotland for finally getting the English people to understand the unfairness of the division of resources between the different countries of the Union.

I've spent years (and many blog posts) trying to get English people to understand that the antiquated Barnett Formula (which even Joel Barnett, its inventor in the late 70s has repeatedly publically stated is out-of-date) gives between £1,600 and £2,000 (depending what is included) more in formula funding for each Scottish person than for each English person (nearly 20%).

There can hardly be an English person left now who doesn't now know about and resent the fact that they pay for hospital parking, prescriptions, and social care in old age, let alone higher education tuition fees, when those north of the 'border' don't pay a penny.

More and more English people are now asking why the majority of the UK population have not been allowed their own vote, and have now at least heard of 'The West Lothian Question' which dates from 1977 - why Scottish MPs can still vote on matters that affect only England (don't forget that we only have £9,000 a year tuition fees in England because Scottish MPs voted for them).

So - the Scots want to stay. Presumably because they know when they're onto a good thing.

But, hopefully things are now going to change.

As David Cameron has said this morning, "We have heard the voice of Scotland and now the millions of voices of England must be heard."

And good old Nigel Farage (never one to miss an opportunity to recruit some more Daily Wailers to his side) has now waded in to ensure that the Barnett Formula question doesn't go away.

However, as punishment to the Scots for their attempted treason, and for wasting so much of the UK's money, so many trees, so much political time, and for monopolising the English news and current affairs coverage for weeks and weeks, the following will apply, with immediate effect:

  1. Your current fishy 'leaders', Salmon[d] and Sturgeon, who led the treasonous attempt to leave will be replaced by another fish: Goldfish (Brown). He fucked over the whole country when UK Prime Minister, so now let him fuck over his own people.

  2. You upset the Queen. Therefore self-adhesive postage stamps will be withdrawn. You can go back to licking the queen's backside to atone for your treason.

  3. Your national drink will henceforth have an 'e' inserted, and be forever known as 'whiskey'. The Irish deserved to be acknowledged and rewarded as they haven't misbehaved recently after all.

  4. 45% of you may feel battered after the result, but, you've fried your chances now. Mars bars will no longer be sold in Scotland. It's for your own good.

  5. We must reduce your taste for blood. Haggis is banned.

  6. Neeps and tatties will be replaced by salad. Dundee, West Dunbartonshire, North Lanarkshire, and Glasgow (the most treasonous places) will be covered in polytunnels in order to grow enough. It will be served undressed. All the Scottish unemployed will be found work in these glasshouses, because they dared to throw stones. Lettuce hope they soon see the error of their ways.

  7. Scottish pound notes are no longer accepted in any retail outlets south of the Border. They are a complete pain to get accepted in shops anywhere south of Northumberland anyway.

  8. Any people who work in call centres in Scotland that take calls from people in England will receive intensive retraining in intelligibility. We'll have you all speaking properly, like the Queen, yet. Even if you're a boy.

  9. An amnesty on bagpipes has been declared: provided that they are handed in to the police in the nearest English town to their present location by midnight (for destruction), no further action will be taken. Anyone still in possession of these inflatable screechers tomorrow will be rounded up and sent to a remote Scottish Island where they can blow away to their hearts' content, without offending others (especially the English on New Years' Eve).

  10. 2nd January will no longer be a bank holiday in Scotland. You can now go back to work on that day, the same as the rest of us.

  11. The Westminster government is now fully aware of just how much space you all have in Scotland: there are more people living in my county than there were 'yes' voters in Scotland, after all. Consequently, you will now benefit from the use of Scotland as the Prison Country for the UK (that will free up some good quality self-contained accommodation in gated communities for the English homeless), and as the place for all asylum seekers and other non-useful immigrants to be sent for resettlement. This might involve the relocation of Hadrian's Wall, but, then again, if they're sent to the grouse moors, the Glorious 12th might take on quite a new meaning. That should please the Tory Guns.

Any more ideas to add?

And is anyone else concerned by those 3,429 rejected ballot papers?

  • 16 were missing the official stamp (sorry Alasdair, you shouldn't have posted your chip paper in the slot after you'd had a wee dram)

  • 691 people had voted for both options (oh dear god, I thought the Scottish education system was supposed to be better than the English?)

  • 168 people put their name on the paper (sorry Angus, I know your teachers told you to always put your name on the paper because it might at least get you one mark, but this wasn't an exam)

  • 2,554 were otherwise unacceptable - presumably blank or with willies drawn on them (sorry Bruce, if you bothered to get out of bed to go to the polling station - which you rather quaintly chose to call the 'polling place', you might at least have made your mind up before you went)

    Posted at 11:11 AM | Comments (0)

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

This image makes me really sad

A Map of Every Device in the World That's Connected to the Internet (caveats in the link's comments)

And this makes sombre reading too. An update on a 1972 forecast about where the world is heading. Looking like it's bang on target.


Monday, September 1, 2014


To laugh often and much.

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children.

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends.

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others.

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson (or maybe Bessie Stanley)