Blue Witch

Thought for the day

The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks.

- Douglas Adams

I made somewhere to store my out-of-use Witchy Pins

Thought for the day

If you want to change who you are, change what you do.

- Meiji Stewart

Out with the Bliar in with the Brown

Did you see Andrew Marr's recent 5-part series, the
History of Modern Britain?

I was fascinated by how eras I'd lived through were distilled into 'social history'. I can't say that I agree with all the spin he put on things, or with some of his omissions - but, for me, that was part of the benefit. A reminder that history is only someone’s opinion.

Endearingly eccentric, enthusiastic, exhilarating overview of Britain. Of course there are gaps and highly debatable views, but he got all the top stories on the screen and reminded (hopefully) hundreds of thousands of people how we got to where we are. This is the sort of thing that makes history shimmer and excite - whetting the appetite for more in-depth explorations of each of the powerful stories that made up this wonderful series... Very evocative. Running over all of this was Marr's rich and engaging language - his presenting was the icing on the cake. Overall, Bonkers but brilliant.

I wonder how The Bliar Years will be remembered, in the future?

Well, at least Bliar had the decency to admit, in his dying days,

... using billions of pounds from English taxpayers to bribe the Scots to remain in the United Kingdom.

He said a formula which allows the Scots to spend far more on schools and hospitals without raising taxes was "a small price to pay" for a united Britain.

Public spending north of the border is 21 per cent higher than in England. That equals £1,500 more per person and adds up to over £7billion a year - equivalent to an extra 2p on income tax.

Scotland has recently scrapped prescription charges and now plans to cut primary school classes to just 18. Scots also get free university tuition and personal care for the elderly is also free.

Patients with Alzheimer's disease and the most common cause of blindness get free medicines that have been ruled too expensive for English patients, condemning about 20,000 in England to losing their sight each year.

Scotland's good fortune dates back almost 30 years to the complex Barnett Formula, set up as a one-year measure but still used to calculate public spending.

Tory MP Sir George Young, said: "I think the Prime Minister greatly underestimates the growing resentment in England about the situation. He has miscalculated this one badly.

"It cannot go on - it is completely unbalanced and, I suspect, unsustainable."

But Mr Blair has insisted: "If we want to keep the UK together, the Barnett Formula is a small price to pay for that, even though I understand why it causes concern in parts of England.

It jolly well should concern all English people with the ability to
think! If we are one country, paying one tax rate, we should all have the
same benefits available to us.

And there's more:

Scottish ministers have already announced the scrapping of university tuition fees and cuts in business rates for most small companies. More new proposals, due to be announced in the autumn, are aimed at encouraging home-grown writers, musicians and painters to stay in Scotland as well as attracting talent from elsewhere. Artists would continue to pay the Inland Revenue and would then be able to claim a rebate from the Scottish Executive.

But, back to James G. Brown. A man with no mandate from those in England, who now has total control over the affairs of the Westminster Parliament, 80% of whose time is spent on matters that relate only to England. Brown's Scottish constituents elected him to represent them on the very narrow range of issues relating to matters reserved from the Scottish Parliament. He is therefore democratically unaccountable (to anyone) for 70% of the legislation that he will see passed. And also - do you trust a man who picks his nose in public - in Parliament actually - and eats the pickings? Snot funny I tell you.

It's time we English woke up and shouted about these inequalities.
Why should people living in Scotland get £1,500 more per head (£7Bn) from the UK's tax pot spent on them every year?

More info here.

I wonder how social history programmes of the future will recall the
Bliar Years?

Off the top of my head (which isn’t functioning well today):

• Spin, spin, spin.
• More spin and stage management of absolutely everyone and everything.
• Iraq - a war built on lies; how many wasted lives?
• Stealth taxes (we have the most complicated, and highest, system of taxation in the world: the rich are richer than ever before because they have never had so many loopholes to exploit, yet the poor are poorer and the discrepancy between the two has never been greater)
• Changing the rules on pensions to the detriment of many of us who had already bothered to make our own provision for the future
• Not knowing how many foreigners are in the country (legally or illegally) and having no workable system for asylum seekers or deporting failed applicants
• Overcrowded prisons because prison is being used for minor crimes where community sentencing would be much more effective
• The Nanny State (don’t bother to make decisions and take responsibility for yourself, it’s not encouraged)
• The beginning of the Big Brother State (CCTV everywhere, the NHS database, and ID cards; it’s set to get worse)
• Putting more and more money into administration in health and education with less and less efficiency (if all else fails, change the performance measures or re-jig the statistics to make it look like policies are working)
• Insisting on locating millions of new houses in the south east without first securing the infrastructure (eg adequate water supplies, schools and doctors' surgeries)
• Raising the duty on fuel to encourage people away from their cars without first extending the public transport network in non-urban areas
• Financially unsound PFI initiatives
• Introduction of cheap police (Community Support Officers) with no powers except a fluorescent jacket
• 24 hour drinking (leading to increased anti-social and violent behaviour, and increased tension in already tense communities - how many dead teenagers?)
• Not making any effort to control the financial industry (eg availability and abuse of credit)
• And for a swansong – last weekend’s EU Constitution European Council ‘treaty’ (anyone else leaving a top job would be put on gardening leave lest they do something damaging to the organisation they’re leaving)

Any more?

And where is Bliar going now? To be an international envoy to the Middle East. Talk about Jobs For The Boys. Hasn’t the man done enough damage in that part of the world already? I had to laugh when a guest on BBC Breakfast this morning said that he’d like to see our troops out of Iraq within the year, although he admitted a few would need to be left behind. I vote for Bliar for that duty.

Now, will this thing let me post today... Ah, yes. Good.

No understanding

A couple of weeks ago, Mr D wrote a piece about having seen someone with no arms attempt to use a cash point.

This rang a bell with me at the time, as I've been noticing how hard it is for me to do a lot of things I normally take for granted just recently. Not at the same sort of level as Mr D's young man, but, difficulties none-the-less, and perhaps harder to cope with because others don't cut me any slack as I don't actually look much different to normal.

Before I do anything or go anywhere I have to think about whether I have the energy to get there and back and do what I need to do, how I can split tasks up to make them achievable, and what I will do if I feel dizzy or get too tired, or can't cope in some other way.

Working in the field I do, I've always been very aware of this type of thing, but actually having first-hand experience of how hard some other people make things has been eye-opening.

Months ago I booked to go to a 2-day conference in Oxford on Thursday and Friday. As it's being held on a campus university site, there was reasonably priced accommodation in student self-catering flats available.

Information about the conference has been very poor, and, despite me sending 2 emails asking for information about the accommodation I'd booked, it wasn't until late last Friday that a general email containing just web links to the university site giving general details for students about living in the accommodation was sent out.

No information about parking, check-in times etc was given, so I emailed again. I couldn't phone as I still have severe laryngitis and almost no voice.

Yesterday afternoon I received a very curt email back telling me that there was no general parking available as there was a huge building programme on the accommodation site, and that I had to get there before 8pm on Wednesday night when the staff went off duty, and that I should use the Park and Ride (which one of the 5 that there are in the city was not specified), which would drop me at the main campus, a 10-15 minute walk from the accommodation.

Given my current state of health, there is absolutely no way that I can manage this sort of trek (actually, I'm doubtful whether I should actually be attempting to go at all, but it's a subject I'm very interested in, with internationally-acclaimed speakers, and I can drive there out of peak times, and go cross-country to avoid the motorways, and be able to stop immediately if I get tired) . So, I emailed back, explaining, and asking if, in the circumstances, they could find me a parking space somewhere. I stressed that I didn't mind if I had to be blocked in as I wasn't well enough to go out in the evenings, and would likely be sleeping most of the hours I wasn't actually in the conference building anyway. I just received the following reply:

Dear Blue Witch
Unfortunately we cannot secure a parking space for you.
You will have to use a taxi.
Sorry about that!
Best wishes
Conference Organiser

I have replied:

Dear Conference Organiser

Talking to my husband about this last night, he said that you are going to have a *huge* problem tomorrow with people turning up expecting parking, as you didn't make it clear that there was none.

People will not be pleased to have to park miles away, negotiate a bus with heavy bags and self-catering provisions for 3 nights that they weren't expecting to have to carry, then have a 10-15 minute walk from where the bus drops them to the accommodation. If one books accommodation on the site of a campus university, one expects parking!!!

Also, are people aware that they must get to the accommodation before 8pm?
I only know this because I enquired specially and [your assistant] told me.

I must say, I certainly wouldn't have booked to come to the conference if I'd known there was no parking, even before I was diagnosed with [medical condition].

I'm disappointed that you can't find me a space.
I thought the Disability Discrimination Act was more widely understood. I also doubt whether taxis frequent Park and Ride, and, not knowing the area, I don't know the reputable companies to use.

Blue Witch

Bloody polytechnics. They'll never have university status in my eyes :)

Thought for the day

Waste is worse than loss. The time is coming when every person who lays claim to ability will keep the question of waste before him constantly. The scope of thrift is limitless.

- Thomas Alva Edison

Here's a suggestion

... for how to fill 16 hours.

Here's a suggestion

... for how to spend 16 hours.

Test Entry

Ha ha ha! There have been secret spells.

I dare say this will get deleted, so enjoy it while it's here!

Quick update

Gosh.... time flies doesn't it? I haven't had time to even turn the computer on for two days...

Mr BW rescued this baby bunny from The Dark Tabby, PVC's, Pointy Velcro Claws, claws.

Then wished he hadn't as he had to take it a long way away to ensure that it didn't return to feast on our lettuces.

The Black Fluffy Kitten Familiar, and her newly mended leg, are currently locked up in the workshop in disgrace. Every time we let her out she ends up half a mile away under a bush with a grey stray. They seem to be just friends, and the man who the grey stray has adopted is keen to get rid of her. I'd have no problem taking him/her in, but I think that PVC might not be too keen.

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse, I developed a sore throat/cough/headache bug at the beginning of last week. By Friday night I'd coughed so much that I totally lost my voice. And it's still missing. If anyone finds it, could I have it back please? Mr BW is well on the way to losing his too, having had a few days' holiday and so full exposure to my bugs, so if you find two lost voices, you'll know where to send them. Maybe I should try looking under the grey stray's bush.

Despite our nights awake coughing, which have led to extreme fatigue, not to mention aching backs, chest and stomach muscles, by day, and the Macbeth-esque stormy weather of late, somehow everything got sorted, tidied away, weeded, de-headed, and this year's projects finished off, in The Coven Grounds ready for the Nice Ladies' Summer Event last night. A month earlier than normal, the event always makes us get everything done, which is after all why we do it. So now we have nothing to do for the rest of the summer. Haha.

Amazingly, we had a sunny and warm evening for The Summer Event, and a good time was had by all (although there were 10 fewer Nice Ladies than normal due to holidays, illnesses, deaths of spouses, and, I suspect, fear of bad weather). One Nice Lady who hadn't been before said that it was the most amazing garden she'd ever been in. Another Nice Lady last year said it was the quirkiest garden she knew. Well, we try. It's taken 12 years to create, but I finally am actually quite pleased with it this year. 'Mature' I think it's called. In the past it's always been, "Yes, it's OK, but..." This year it seems to have taken on its own character, which is better than that we've previously had to impose. I might get round to putting up some photos of the new bits sometimes soon. Trouble is, the pictures never seem to even partly capture the actual experience...

I was most satisfied that none of the Nice Ladies got all of the cryptic garden quiz clues correct. Thanks to everyone who helped out with their writing.

Back to the lemon and honey now. I rarely eat or drink sugary things usually, but, what with cough medicine (it's so bad I've resorted to that, which I rarely do), throat sweets and soothing sugary brews, I'm feeling all sugar-high hyped-up and horrible. I just can't imagine why some people eat sugary foods all the time.

Juicy question

We have lots of Aloe Vera plants. Well, we once had one, and it multiplied and I potted them on. We use leaves for burns (pull off leaf, squeeze, apply gel to burn = instant pain relief and rapid healing).

When I was in Thai1and earlier this year, there were lots of juices on sale containing Aloe Vera juice. I was contemplating our tray of excess plants earlier and wondering whether one could just liquidise leaves from plants. This suggests you can.

Does anyone have any other info or has anyone tried it?

Dilemma

Today I went into a new school I'd not worked in before. A very posh, very well-regarded, school, with a new headteacher, conveniently local to The Coven.

6 weeks ago, I was sweet-talked into this appointment by parents who were 'desperate' and described a complex scenario that I knew I could help sort out. 6 weeks ago, today seemed like a long time off, and certainly plenty time enough for me to be tested, diagnosed, sorted, and back on top form.

But. I was certainly not well enough to be working, having succumbed on Tuesday to a severe dry cough/dreadful sore throat virus that is doing the rounds, on top of whatever else I have that is currently mystifying known medical science. So bad is this cough, and my moaning/crying that I cannot even swallow in the night without being in severe pain, that Mr BW has resorted to sleeping in a different room to me for the past 2 nights. The first time in nearly 15 years that he has ever done that (would older readers please tell me, is that a sign of anything? ;))

However, I have a long history of pulling out all the stops for people expressing need, irrespective of the personal cost to me, even though, in the fullnes of time, I often find it to have been a futile exercise.

So, I dragged myself from my sick bed, and along I went.

I lost my voice during the day, which made things interesting. The virus also unexpectedly decided to enter its 'wet' phase, so I spent the day wondering how my sweat-drenched top must look, while secretly thanking higher powers that at least I'd picked white.

And I was also mistaken for someone there for an interview for a Head of Infant Maths post, and led into a class of small children excitedly waiting to see what the nice potential new teacher had dreamt up for them by way of a demonstration maths lesson, rather than being escorted into the class of rather older children where I was due to observe one child. I suppose I should have guessed by the fact that the woman who met me simply said, "Hello, I'm Mrs [name], the Director of Studies," then led off, saying, "Please don't be too nervous, just do your best!" which was just not appropriate to the assessment and advisory role that I was there to fulfil. Had I not been so unwell, I might have come up with some quip that would have allowed us both to realise her error of identity. But, as it was, I just saved my voice, thought her rather odd, and smiled, so didn't twig until it was too late.

Anyway, having sorted that little error out, much to the disgust of the small children, who had rather liked the way I responded to their greeting (23 years in education has taught me to be a little more inventive than to just say, "Good morning children!" to their, "Good morning visitor!"), and were, no doubt, on the basis of the introduction, looking forward to a rather better standard of lesson than they generally consume (despite the fact that their parents pay £8K every year for each of them to be there), I was returned to the entrance hall to await the real person who was due to meet me.

While I was waiting, I picked up their new school marketing leaflet. A very glossy and clearly professionally produced, A4 folded-into-3, publication. Beautifully coloured, with carefully chosen typefaces, and full of posed pictures of smiling children and encouraging teachers, and written and re-written weasely sales words.

And then I saw the glaring basic grammatical errors. The word "its" (as in, 'its facilities' - meaning, 'the facilities of the school') written "it's" in two different places, as titles. At the exact moment I noticed, the teacher I was really meeting appeared. I quickly slipped the leaflet into my file.

Now, it was the very first time I've been to this school. Despite the fact that I don't advertise at all, I'm never short of work, and indeed I've turned down 34 cases this year already as I am just too unpredictably unwell to do anything more than occasional days in places that know me well, but, in the hope that I may one day be well enough to work properly again, and that this school is nice and near, I had a dilemma. What should I do? Should I point out the error (and, if so, to whom?), which was glaring and would be immediately obvious to any prospective parent with any level of education, but which would make any member of staff who had proof-read the leaflet look very, very, stupid, or should I simply pretend I hadn't noticed? After all, their marketing material's success was absolutely nothing to do with me.

What would you do in this situation?

The Consultant's offerings

Before you read this, please read the 'Thought for the Day' just below this if you haven't already.

No BW we still don't know what is wrong with you. The test results give us no more clues.

Apart from some enlarged areas in your brain (which I'm going to gloss over because I'm probably less able to explain what they mean than you are) I really don't know.

But, please don't worry because it could still be one of the things I scared you with previously, in a serum-negative version. So, just in case, I'm going to give you a corticosteroid injection in your spine.

Oh, you're not keen on that idea? Never mind, it was just a thought.

Let's see... why don't we try you on HRT instead? I know you told me last time you came that you put off going to your GP for 6 months because you felt that many of your symptoms were indicative of menopause, but then your symptoms got so severe that everyone you know (many of whom are post-menopausal women who know the difference between normal and abnormal) was imploring you to go, but I forgot that. I also forgot that you've already told me, in that very useful written summary you put together for me (because I haven't looked at your file since you last were here, and I'm madly trying to leaf through now, without you seeing), that you've had previous bad reactions to any kind of hormonal contraceptives and attempts to hormonally control previous abnormal bleeding. But, I still feel that HRT is the answer for you. It's very safe. You know, I think there are even gels to rub on your skin these days. I'm not sure, because I don't see drug reps any more because, well I don't have time to as I'm so busy seeing all you lucrative private patients, on top of my full-time job as the lead Consultant at the local NHS hospital.

What's that? You think that the medical world treats menopause as an illness so prescribes women medicines with side-effects that are often worse than the symptoms? Oh, so that's a no no too?

Never mind. Well, I've another idea, amitryptillin. What? You're not depressed? No, I'm suggesting a much lower dosage than that used to treat depression. It can have all sorts of good effects. Like what? Erm.... well, they're good effects. They'd help you you know. To feel better.

You don't want to take anti-depressants, even in a small dosage, because we haven't yet discovered what is wrong with you? And because you've always avoided anti-depressants, even when you were seriously clinically depressed, because, again, you've reacted badly to them, and you feel that the side effects for you will be worse than your current symptoms? Well.... yes, I agree that you already have the common side effects (drowsiness, lethargy, dry mouth, blurred vision and bloating), but why not just give it a try?

No. Oh. Well, OK, then I'm going to suggest pregabalin. I'm hoping that you won't know anything about that and so you'll agree, because I'm fast running out of ideas here, and that is now proving helpful in managing chronic pain.

Oh bugger, you won't agree to that either, because you don't know about it, and you want to research it, and its known side-effects, first.

And anyway, you'd prefer that we found out what was wrong with you before we attempted to throw drugs at you, because you're very sensitive to things like drugs and chemicals and energy? Because you're a witch you say? Erm, well, in that case, I'm going to refer you to a neurologist in London. Who can do a lumbar puncture to get some more information. The idea of which should scare you enough to get you out of my consulting room PDQ....

Note: Not all of the words reported were actually spoken out loud.

Thought for the day

"The problem with Western Medicine is that doctors do not diagnose any more.

They treat symptoms with symptom suppressing drugs instead of getting to the root cause of disease. This arises as a result of original thinking in medicine being driven by the pharmaceutical companies. The best policy for drug company profits is to have a population of sick people requiring medication for life, so never diagnose and cure - that is bad for business.

The multinational pharmaceuticals dictate to the doctors, medical journals and government, and treatment guidelines are set up accordingly."

- Dr Sarah Myhill

Thought for the day

Not all revolutionaries set out to change the world per se; some set out to change their own worlds. And in so doing, they often change the way one person, or a few people, or whole communities, or entire nations or the world thinks and operates in some significant way.

- Anita Roddick

It's Friday - I need questions!

This weather is beginning to annoy me. Last Sunday the sender unit to our weather station, which is in the shade, measured more than 30 degrees C. Three days before that we had hailstones, and there is currently a thunderstorm. And worse, the forecast is currently for over 4" of rain for the evening of the Nice Ladies' annual summer garden party feast held at The Coven. We'd deliberatly moved it from July to June this year, in the hope of better weather than we've had in past years. Grrrrr.

Talking of the Nice Ladies' Event, I need some help with clues for the Garden Quiz that has become an essential and integral part of it.

He did the first one for me a few years back, so setting the standard, and I'm at the stage where the simple 'hide and seek' ideas are exhausted. So, this year I thought we'd have cryptic clues, l;eading to places where I'd hide 'leaves' with varying numbers of small wooden ladybirds on them. The solution to the quiz will require solving the cryptic clues, then doing some maths with the number of ladybirds. The only thing is, I'm not much good at writing cryptic clues, and some of the Nice Ladies are expert cryptic crossword solvers, having nothing else to do all day but crosswords.

I'm not sure how well this will work, as some of the places where I might want to hide clues are hard to describe, and I don't want to post a map of The Coven Grounds, because, well, because. I also haven't thought of all the places yet, and it's too wet and stormy to go out and look. So, I shall update wtih more places as I think of them.

For starters, any ideas for cryptic clues for the following, please:

1. Blacksmith's anvil (supported on a lump of silver birch, surrounded by 'fiery' colour plants)
2. D'Ovecote.
3. Pig weathervane (on Mr BW's workshop's roof)
4. Red postbox (E II R) on a stalk (label says: Collections 8.55am/2.40pm not Saturdays; Sundays 3.15pm, Good Friday 8.55am, Bank Holidays (not Boxing Day) 3.45pm, No collections Christmas Day or Boxing Day)
5. 6 foot tree fern
6. 3 foot Wollemi Pine in a pot (no, we couldn't resist...)
7. Sundial (on a stone base so it's a bit like a bird-bath)
8. Old-fashioned white beehive, used decoratively (there are another half-dozen in another area used properly).
9. 9 inch bronze Peter Rabbit figure (there are old hoes and sieves nearby)
10. Red 4 foot tall propane gas cyclinder 'hiding' in a planted area next to the house wall and near the long formal pond
11. Old-fashioned metal bathtub containing miniature waterlillies
12. Family of bronze snails (largest about 9", smallest about 2") which live on the knee-high wall surorunding the main herb garden
13. 8 foot multi-stemmed bayleaf tree clipped into a large lollipop shape (ball is probably 5 foot diameter)
14. Old-fashioned metal water gatherers once used at the top of house down-pipes, now used as planters in the Mediterranean Garden
15. 18 inch thermometer on house wall (traditional vertical linear type)
16. Water butt (lots, at base of house roof downpipes)

(most of these things have appeared in photos here at some time or other, but, as I don't have a way of looking at thumbnails of all the images on my server, I can't easily find supporting pics, and I'm also trying to make a scoresheet and some green laminated leaves, and count out mini-ladybirds!)

Thought for the day

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.

- Winston Churchill

The final inequality?

I'm not much interested in gender.

I've said it before here, and I'll no doubt say it again, but, a person's gender is not the first thing I notice. That's probably the result of 20 years in a profession where critical observation, assessment, and reporting are central. Or maybe of an intense dislike of things soppily fluffily frillily and unnecessarily 'girly'. Or maybe because I am not constantly on the hunt for hot stuff (or whatever the current polite expression for 'sex on legs' is).

Yesterday I stumbled upon a site that claims to be able to predict the gender of a writer on the basis of analysing 500+ word extracts of their text. Some of the entries from here that I tried came out as very marginal. The rest came out as male. Using paragraphs from work material, I invariably came out as very male.

As the algorithm used for analysis doesn't look at subject matter, but rather on use of what it calls 'male keywords' and 'female keywords' (often personal pronouns), I can only conclude that it is based on the stereotypical perception of the differences between male and female uses of language. Social conditioning to expect different verbal reactions from men to those expected from women. Possibly the biggest remaining inequality - and very hard to manage because it is so invisible.

Interestingly, The Guardian came to pretty much the same conclusions three and a half years ago.

What does your blog writing say about you?

Thought for the day

You can't escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.

- Abraham Lincoln

Etymology - a child's view

"So why is 'grateful' spelt like cheese gratings and not like large greatness then BW?" a ten year old asked me.

"I think the 'grate' bit comes from Latin," I said, dredging my memory for what remains of my year's enforced study of Latin back in 1975. Inspiration arrived just in time. "In fact, I believe it comes form the word 'gratus' which means something like pleasing." I checked later. Fortuntately I was correct.

"Well, OK, but as it doesn't make sense now, why don't they just change the spelling to the form that would make more sense? If you're grateful, you're thinking the person is great and that they've done something kind for you?"

Well... it makes sense, doesn't it?

And there are probably other words like this too, aren't there?

Thought for the day

Doing good is the only certainly happy action of a man's life.

- Sir Philip Sidney

BW Customer Service Award

I somehow got lost somewhere in the middle of posting some photos from this year's Chelsea. Never mind, I'm sure all those of you interested either went yourself or watched some of the excellent coverage on TV.

One picture that wouldn't normally have got posted (and oh good grief, it's number 2012, second time round) is of the rooftop garden that comprised a jumble of planted objets trouvés. I didn't like it. Probably because I've been 'quirkily' (according to last year's Parish Magazine) planting up such objets and dotting them around The Coven Grounds for years, and it will now have given lots of other people ideas, so making cost-free acquisition of appropriate objets a lot more difficult.

However, judging by the crowds, which made taking any kind of sensibly angled photo impossible, many people clearly did like it. This dreadful picture appears as it is the only one I have with any kind of view of the osteospermum-planted old Dyson vacuum cleaner.

Which brings me (not-so-neatly) on to the point of today's rambling.

We have an upright Dyson that is just over 5 years old. It hasn't worked properly for the last 18 months or so, meaning it's been relegated to upstairs (which is The Studio and my Inner Coven) use only, and we've invested in another for downstairs. On several occasions I've attempted to work out what is wrong with the original blue and turquoise one, following the diagnostics on the Dyson website. I've even spoken to the customer helpline, who have told me to wash various bits and pieces, and poke knitting needles up other bits, but, although it works properly for a few uses after the surgery, it reverts to collecting dust around the filter, rather than sending it through the cyclones and into the clear plastic dust bin.

On Sunday I was contemplating whether a turquoise and purple Dyson would look better than a yellow one planted up, and, to help me think, decided to research the latest Dyson offerings, and price things up, knowing that Costco was usually cheaper than anywhere else by tens of pounds. Nevertheless, it still looked like a two hundred or so quid jobbie. A lot of money, but, in my opinion, once you've used a Dyson, you'll never want to buy anything else.

Looking at the Dyson website I discovered, somewhere in the depths, that for £55, including VAT, they would send out an engineer who would service the machine and replace all necessary parts to restore the cleaner to working order. I'd vaguely heard about Dyson's servicing before, but always thought it was £55 call-out, plus parts, which just would not have made economic sense. But, £55 to get a good-as-new machine again seemed a bargain.

First pleasant surprise: Dyson's help and booking line is open 7am - 10pm, seven days a week.

Second pleasant surprise: The call centre is on a freephone number (used to be on a 0870- number, so they've clearly got the message).

Third pleasant surprise: In phoning, there was no requirement to push umpteen buttons, just a short announcement asking you to have your serial number to hand, before the call was picked up.

Fourth pleasant surprise: The call centre was in England rather than Dublin, Scotland or India. The female operator was very friendly and pleasant and had more than the average number of braincells found in a call centre operative, and clearly knew the products, and the company systems, inside out.

Fifth pleasant surprise: I only had to give my name and postcode and she had all my details on her screen (Hurrah! Product registration works, sometimes!).

Sixth pleasant surprise: The operator apologised for the problems I was experiencing (how pleasantly novel!), explained that the £55 charge would cover parts and labour, and asked me when I'd like an engineer to call, and whether I'd like him to come to my home or my place of work.

Seventh pleasant surprise: It being 11am on Sunday, I jokingly said, "Tomorrow!" and she told me that would be fine, but she'd need to make it an 'all day' call meaning between 8 and 5.30pm, but that the engineer could ring me on a number of my choice half and hour or so before he would arrive.

Eighth pleasant surprise: The engineer rang me at 8.40am to tell me he'd be with me by 9.30am.

Ninth pleasant surprise: The engineer arrived at 9.10am, smartly dressed in Dyson livery, in a clean company van, and complete with a large toolkit, electronic data system, and large carpet square to work on. He asked if he should take his shoes off, and waited to be told where to head rather than presumptiously assume where to go.

Tenth pleasant surprise: The engineer listened carefully to my description of the problem, and what we'd already done to attempt to solve it. He immediately knew what the problem was - the cyclone/rubbish bin assembly seal had deteriorated, allowing dust to be incorrectly directed into the filter rather than the cyclone. He told me that this had proved a problem with early machines of that model, and the part had now been redesigned.

Eleventh pleasant surprise: The engineer didn't attempt to make unnecessary small talk, although he was very happy to answer my questions, and quietly got on with the job. When he popped out to his van for parts he sensibly put the lock on the snip rather than ring the bell again every time he needed to come in (the first workman in 12 years to do so!)

Twelfth pleasant surprise: The engineer replaced everything that was even a bit doubtful - the long plastic hose, the metal hose, the clutch, the beater bar, an internal hose, the power cord (he said it had a slight nick in it, but I'd not even noticed), and arranged for a replacement clear bin and cyclone assembly to be sent to me by post within the week (he apologised that he did not carry one of my colour, so couldn't leave it with me). In all, at the replacement part prices on the website, more than £200 of spare parts!

Thirteenth pleasant surprise: The engineer cleaned and polished the machine and vacuumed up the debris he'd made, and some that had happened to be lying around on the floor when he arrived.

Fourteenth pleasant surprise: All this was accomplished in 40 minutes. All this still only cost the originally quoted £55. The engineer even thanked me for the cup of coffee I'd made him.

Conclusion: BW Blue Star Award for Exceptional Customer Service to Dyson. If someone had asked me to design the perfect customer experience, I honestly couldn't have bettered the service I received. And I never thought I'd ever say that about any company!

The initial product price may be more expensive than some others, but new models now have a 5 year guarantee. With fixed-price labour + parts servicing at £55 (for machines older than 5 years when the comprehensive problem solving guide online or by freephone fails), engineers who can usually provide next-day callout to your home or work, and with no machine ever being irreparable, as all parts are modular (so great for the environment), I don't think you can go far wrong.

Thought for the day

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

- Charles Darwin

One to see

All you ever wanted to know about sex, with great photos.

Thought for the day

The existence of forgetting has never been proved: we only know that some things don't come to mind when we want them.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Friday Question: Sandwiches and picnics

When I was a Small Witch, I remember people cutting rounds of sandwiches (I've always thought that was a stupid expression, they should be known as squares of sandwiches, surely?) in half horizontally, from side to side, making two rectangles.

At least, all the other kids' mums did that. Mine, in a style that pre-dated the invention of Hyacinth (Bouquet) Bucket by a good few years, cut ours diagonally from corner to corner. Top left to bottom right, to be exact, as she was right handed, and it's very hard to cut top right to bottom left unless you are left handed. Or somehow wrap your arm around, risking stabbing yourself with the knife.

To annoy her (and how well it worked), if I made sandwiches, or cut toast, I used to do it into rectangles. "Oh BW, it's so 'workman' to cut bread like that, please do it nicely!" she'd implore. That generally led to subsequent pieces of toast not being cut at all, evoking the comment from Daddy BW, "BW, have you got a bad hand? If not, please cut that toast!" I can even remember once cutting some sandwiches into inch squares after being told not to be 'workman'. When asked why, I replied, "My 'workman' is an intellectual. He plays chess in his lunchtime." I think I lost that one eventually though, as the reply was, "Clearly he's a workman or he'd know better than to play with his food!" As I said, Hyacinth has nothing on my mother.

When takeaway sandwiches were invented at the beginning of the 80s (long-term readers may recall that I have the dubious distinction of having briefly worked making the first large-scale ready-made sarnies, in M&S at Oxford Circus, when an impoverished student in London), diagonal sandwiches became more widespread, as that's how they had to be cut to fit the packaging. Mother made a lot of enemies pointing out to eveyone how she'd single-handedly managed to change the way sandwiches would henceforth be cut.

I still cut sandwiches into rectangles (or 4 squares) if I'm making them for us, but generally diagonally into 4 small triangles if I'm making them for a Nice Ladies' function or village tea. My reasoning? Sandwiches aren't about bread (of which I eat very, very little anyway), they're about filling. You can get more filling in if you cut into rectangles, and it's less likely to fall out of right-angled corners than out of triangular-cut's acutely angled corners.

That's my theory anyway. I wonder if I can get a research grant to study it?

The other day I realised that there were 2 ways of cutting into halves - vertically and horizontally. I think I've always cut horizontally as it's a more natural knife angle, but I decided that in half vertically gives sandwiches with cute half-waists (where the bread goes in at the side, if you use decent bread). I hasten to add that this realisation came to me on Saturday, before my brain was irrevocably magnetically changed.

So, after all that pre-amble (anyone still reading? :)), would everyone who reads here today, even if you've never commented before, please tell me what you do when you cut your sandwiches:

(a) Cut diagonally in half into 2 large triangles
(b) Cut diagonally both ways, making 4 small triangles
(c) Cut horizontally in half, into rectangles
(d) Cut vertically in half, into rectangles
(e) Cut in half both ways, making 4 small squares
(f) Don't cut at all
(g) Too lazy to ever make sandwiches, buy ready made
(h) Other (please specify)

(The comments are still being naughty - sorry, no idea what's going on, except that there are nearly 25,000 comments in the comment store... if you get a blank screen or a 'page not found', give it a couple of seconds before closing the comments box and it should be fine - reopen the box if you want to check it has appeared)